HATING LIFE

I really am hating my life right now. This month sucks. Everything is making me emotional. I'm binging constantly. And for what? It makes me feel horrible. The scale is going up and down more often than Drop Zone at Great America. It's driving me bananas. I don't know what this insufferable hunger is, but I hate it. I feel like unless I'm totally stuffing my face, I'm unhappy. Which really just indicates that, at the end of the day... I am just unhappy.

I'm unhappy with my inability to lose weight, the fact that the guy I like is confusing at best, and that my ex-boyfriend continues to be a constant source of disappointment. I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn. The worst part about it is how it affects my focus. Instead of keeping my eye on this lustrous prize of reaching my goal weight, I'm scatterbrained about what's wrong in my life.

I don't really have an answer as to how to move forward at this point. I stopped tracking a week ago. I am basically starving myself today because I have been eating so much lately that I feel miserable. It's not a good feeling...

FML

That's basically all. I'm having a down kind of couple of days. Terrible, I know... maybe next week will be better. UGH

And now... time stands still

Last week I lost zero, zilch, NADA. So disappointing. But... I didn't gain either so I guess it's not ALL bad. UGH. It's hard not to get distracted from the ultimate goal... also hard to not over-indulge in a pity party starring me and my favorite junk foods.

So... back to the drawing board. I got a whole new menu for myself to choose from and am trying to be better about getting healthier calories in. Higher fiber and less cheese is my game plan for the next couple of weeks. I'm going to do my best to just stay focused. I spent the better part of last year figuring things out in my personal life that... well... were long overdue to think about. And it took a lot of my focus away from where it needed to be. I'm trying to change that this week.

Exercising is definitely the biggest blessing in my life right now.

And now I know why you SHOULDN'T peak at the scale in the middle of the week...

Yes, it's true. I totally cheated. And... I know better! But I did. I've been working out +3x's a day for over 2 weeks now and when I weighed myself last night (another bad idea - who weighs themselves at night?) it showed a significant increase in lbs. Umm.. FML much?

I've had trouble focusing today as a result. Nevermind the fact that I've literally had 7 hours of sleep in the last 2 days... and am not going to be getting any tonight. It's good friend birthday week in the life of me and I've had to go to every event. That means clubbing until 3 to 4 am and getting up for work at 9. My GOD am I insane or what? I am truly a mess right now. UGH. The weekend begins today with another party. One that I have GOT to be on top of my game for. I'm making cookies and cupcakes for the occasion. And have to successfully not eat ANY of it. Right.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can keep up.

Slow and steady wins the race...

.8... lost...

Not exactly the number I was hoping for after I killed myself all week, but a loss is a loss so I'll take it. I'm really loving the weather right now. It's cold as hell, but sunny out in the mornings. This morning, instead of my usual argument with myself about going down to my "gym" for workout, I took the dogs on a walk. We went 2 miles and MAN did it feel good! They got something out of it and so did I. I read an article almost 2 years ago that said 5 minutes outside in the sunshine at the top of the morning is better than any anti-depressent prescribed. It's actually how I started running. So it's kind of good to get back to my roots. This eating more thing is proving to be a bit more difficult than anticipated... and I figured it'd be hard... but I do feel better. I'm less sluggish, more patient, and a lot happier. Another week kicked off... and positive thoughts are carrying me in... here we go again